Complexity and Aging

As I get older, life appears to be getting more complex.  However, this is not necessarily because my brain is shrivelling up, life is indeed be getting more complex as I take on new activities but continue to either actively pursue or simply remember some of the pre-existing old stuff.  So the brain does have more to deal with as you get older and have hence experienced more.  All the new information needs to be slotted in, compared with and perhaps replace or modify pre-existing ideas.  As time goes on, the memory has also had more experiences and knowledge to remember, so the apparently increasing complexity is an effect to be expected even if the brain remained fully capable.  However, despite this argument, it is undoubtedly true that there are many effects of aging obvious on the body and it would be strange indeed if there were not to be a similar diminution in mental abilities as we age.

            The complications for me are that the brain damage I suffered when I fell off my bike at age 60 could have reduced the reserve capacity of my brain significantly with the result that I might  commence brain aging effects well in advance of my relatively well preserved (if somewhat battered) body.  However, it is equally possible that the repair process (which was clearly activated and effective in the recovery period) may have been reinforced after the injury with the result that my brain might even be better placed to fight the aging effects in later life; but despite this hopeful note, we are talking about a temporary victory at best. 

            One yardstick to judge mental ability is in the non-business world e.g. sport and games etc.  I wrote elsewhere that speed of thinking is significant factor in brain power just as it is in a computer, so fortunately, I know that my reaction speed is pretty good (snowboarding demands rapid action) as is my performance at Scrabble or in various other activities such as chess.   So when things occasionally feel overwhelmingly complex, it may not be a sign of senility but the natural result of living a long time whilst always operating at the limits.  Occasionally, these limits will be exceeded when unexpected extra problems that arrive unexpectedly.  Software failures, other people’s needs, changes to plan etc all may impose that unanticipated `last straw’.

            My recent experience with NPS (early 2005) has been most useful in that I can see that I have been a very important part of the team which has enabled us to achieve a coating for polypropelene.  The measured tensile load measurements were critical and I insisted on them against other opinions.  My realisation of the importance of pp being ripped out led directly to a doubling of the measured strength and my willingness to push on and commit money moved the development along at the fastest possible pace.  I was responsible for financing and setting up NPS as well as recognising and funding the subsequent changes necessary to build a successful business.  So despite my occasional difficulties and self doubts, I am still able to do a very worthwhile job.  It is quite possible that what I may have lost due to accident and age, I may have more than balanced with experience and willingness to work hard.

            It is now May 2005 and I am about to go off sailing in the race with a party of kids from Tobermory.   I am feeling apprehensive both about the numbers who will be aboard 7 plus 3 sailors (this worked fine after a lot of rearrangement) and the fact that Scrabble had been given to the OYTS and so I have no idea what state she will be in (she was certainly in need of TLC after Tom’s lack of attention).  I gave up sailing because of the increasing concern it gave me when the only person I had to please was myself (there was just too much hassle to make the pleasure worthwhile).  So taking a big party of unknown kids like this in a race is really overwhelming me with concerns and with little pleasurable anticipation to counterbalance it (been there, done that).   But it all went extremely well, we finished well up and they got Junior King of the Bens.

            I think that although I am doing well, my brain damage has forced me to focus inward to see if I am to make progress; but this is a double edged sword.  Focus puts great power on the subject but shuts down the surrounding and supporting framework of facts and lessons from life.  In fact it sounds as though my confidence has reduced because I cannot remember all the successes I have had.  This is where the generalised feelings of confidence or lack of it originate.  Confidence is a feeling which strongly influences go/no go decisions and when confidence is missing, logic has to take its place.  Although both pleasure and fear are both emotional feelings, I suspect that fear is by far the strongest and most resistant to fade.  This suggests that when brain damage occurs, the memories of pleasurable feelings are more easily lost but the traces of the fearful memories remain (which tends to be also the case with normal memory).  Hence you become unsure and seek reassurance (in most cases from people who have probably been far less successful and who may be baffled by this apparent need to rehearse my success and surprised that I might value their reassurance that I am `doing OK’).  It is worth noting that the emotional and logical memories will probably be stored in different areas and so brain damage may wipe some and leave others).

            Oct 2005; I have just cleared out a lot of my books (but retained all my academic ones).  This was necessary to help me tidy the office but it still feels as though I have diminished myself through losing these rows and rows of books even though they would never have been opened again.  So clearly we try to boost our self image by assets which testify to our success.  It is clear in my case that my books were necessary to reassure me that I am `well read’ (but notably, not one text book was thrown away).  Even though they would never be read again by me, it still feels like a loss and I feel a step closer to being a redundant pensioner.  It was almost like clearing up after my own funeral!

Conclusion:

            I still have the time, energy and intelligence to do more and am in the right place to do so.  I can and should also make the best use of my remaining time available by spending on myself where necessary.  A nice boat can bring pleasure at 65 when it would bring death at 85.  Life is for living and it does not last for ever.  So I must stop worrying about my performance, I should really be retired anyway and so anything I do now is a bonus.

Jan 2008

            I added this because I was feeling inadequate again as I had just given up on looking for a cable to connect the new HD video camera to USB.  I thought I had it when trying to connect the TV but it is missing and I could not easily reconstruct any helpful hints; it could have been anywhere as I had checked all the logical places and felt that the most likely was back in Chamonix. 

            I then discovered that it was not one of the many cables supplied with the camera but was part of an optional extra DVD burner.  So I plugged the SD card in directly and tried editing that way.  Not bad but then checked the web and discovered that, although the software was free, it was a crap package.  So ordered Ulead Studio 11 plus instead for £60 (it did not work either) and will buy the missing lead if needed (a cable will probably simply slow down the transfer compared to taking the data straight off the SD card onto the USB).

April 2008.

            We now have £3M funding for NPS and so that is a brilliant success to date; however I still have trouble with complexity e.g. the video camera is still not a useful asset. 

            Although I will age, investing will enable me to `take part’ financially even when no longer able to help with ideas but it is the intellectual involvement that I find satisfying rather than the idea of simply making money.

           

August 2008

            I am writing to clarify that for me thinking is especially tiring because of the branching nature of the consequences of a decision.  Many people can rely on their experience which is codified as `feelings’ about what to do.  In my case, my memories are less easily accessed and so I have to think through more of the multiple branches of the decision tree to be sure of getting to the right answer.  This is very tiring as it has to be done for almost everything i.e. no autopilot to take over.  One benefit of this is that I am far more used to new ideas than most people and take nothing for granted.  My brain is very sharp from getting such a lot of practice, but it is exhausting to get a good standard of anything which requires many decisions such as writing my life story; there are so many things to consider: what to tell and what to leave out; what amount of detail do people want and what would they find amusing or interesting about my life.

            As I am a bit betwixt and between, I went for a walk and had a think about what makes people happy.  I think it probably comes down to self esteem, but interestingly, maximum self esteem would lead the sufferer to have too much self regard.  He might then be overjoyed at his cleverness/wealth/success/appearance but such overwhelming self satisfaction does not promote good relationships with others and, being social animals, these relationships also strongly affect our self esteem.  (We may do an awful lot to help others but much of this might really be to get the good opinions of others rather than being totally selfless. E.g. if someone does not appreciate a gift, they are unlikely to get another one).  The maximum attainable happiness is probably achieved when in the opinion of others, you are always very helpful but in your own private opinion, although you may have done quite well, you are still very aware of your defects.   The important point to note is that the maximum score will never be 100% and this may lead to us thinking that we need to try harder to get that 100% score rather than accepting that this is impossible.

            My lack of memory means that unless I do a formal audit, I do not automatically recall either the good things I did in the past or which I plan to do in the future; hence the therapeutic effect of writing my memoirs, it helps bring to mind the achievements which would otherwise be lost to me.

Jan 2010.  Feeling a bit defeated by the free video editing software which has come with my new Xacti camera.  I do find these things a hell of a struggle and reading back, it has been video editing in particular which has given me trouble.

            Just tidied my office which has meant siding away two video cameras which I am unlikely to use again because they are just too frustrating, Ipods and webcam which don’t work and are not really missed, all my computer music stuff and three violins lying unplayed for a year or more.  If we add to that the blue tooth car phone which I can’t be bothered to try to set up, it is clear that I have been dodging complexity for some time.  I suppose I can afford to buy all sorts of things which sound great in theory to an ambitious optimist but which actually demand the sort of specialised effort which only a dedicated enthusiast is likely to have.  If I think back to the sixties, in those days, people played the piano or had a cine camera or a still camera or a motorbike or car they repaired themselves, but generally people could afford only one main `hobby’ in which they then became reasonably expert.  The standard demanded of their expertise was also pretty modest because there would be relatively few other amateurs to compare with and `retired old people’ were not expected to do much more than quietly fade away.

            If I compare my own situation, I have devoted time to staying fit (which has been very worthwhile) and looking after our investments.   Add to that reading, helping in the garden, sailing and snowboarding plus my general use of the computer to follow anything of interest and it becomes clear that I am a generalist i.e. I can do lots of things but am not very good at any of them.  So of course I fall short of the standards achieved by the more specialist practitioners and naturally, my willingness to try things has naturally left a residue of equipment which I failed to use but I can always advertise the excess stuff on ebay or pass it on to the grandchildren.

            Do I have a failing in not `following through’ projects e.g. hydro power, tidal power, music, physics on boat etc or is it just that, as an optimist, I start projects (which is necessary to get a feel for what they entail) but then apply realism and frequently decide that my lack of inhibition may have led me to be unreasonably optimistic.   It may then be a courageous act rather than an act of cowardice to stop investing any further time and money.  So we can conclude that a certain amount of waste is a necessary adjunct to a life of examining opportunities; it is not a failure at but a sign that all is well; in that complex new possibilities are still being researched and where necessary discarded.

Blogging:

            I write a lot of stuff which applies to my life butsone of this might also be useful to others, so I am going to investigate blogging, but I might just go sailing instead (I will review this now).  Rain by lunchtime so instead of sailing, the world will now have to endure my opinions.